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Sunday, February 28, 2010

Christmas Time

They had me in a corner - the lot of them - pummeling
me over and over again - till I was black and blue.
What a scary sight I had become, but perhaps apropos,
because Halloween had just passed. And so I sat alone
in my vulgar apartment.

But then, later still, there I was, again, standing outside
your door, soft-shoeing and humming a Cole Porter tune
under my breath; rubbing my hands together in a futile
attempt to keep warm; in the cold wintry night.

It was Christmas and not even a lump of coal in my bare
stove. An undulating wave of nausea filled my stomach
cavity and my only wish was to throw up everywhere - to
rid myself of the demons inside me. A catharasis or an
expurgate would have been helpful. A ringing in my ears
and a well founded fear of base and coarse people had
caused my anxiety to register off the richter scale. And
now I'd become immobilized, unable to carry out even
the most basic of human endeavors - such as eating
and sleeping and that other thing which I just can't bring
myself to repeat.

Sweat poured from every available pore - and I have
pores the size of dixie-cups! A consumptive pock-
marked wretched soul I had become - a product of
dissembling nature no doubt.

And then, there you were: standing in the your doorway,
eyes furrowed, hair in curlers, cigarette dangling from
your mouth, one hand on one hip, the other cradling a
drink. Feral, flea, worm-infested dogs yapping and
barking about your thick ankles. The odor smelled
inside of boiled cabbage and stale ale, when you said
condenscendly out of the corner of your mouth: "What
the hell do you want?"

"A lump of coal," I replied sheepishly, "It's freak'n cold!"

I entered your home uninvited and gravitated towards
the fireplace; to warm my weary bones beside the fire.
Spent, smelly, hungry and cold, I fell upon a chair next
to the hearth. And with a death rattle beginning in my
throat and spittle forming at the corners of my mouth
and a skeletal frame resembling a small primate's I
raised and clasped my hands together in the manner
of a pious monk and said to you in a haunting raspy
voice: "Please, honey,sweetheart, surgar pie, for old
times sake, give me a little something to eat - and a
lump of coal, please if you would!"

But you had turned your back on me and began
speaking with your new beau - Paul.

"Honey," Paul said, "Who is that at the door?"

"It's no one," you said, and poured yourself another
stiffner.

And in between fits of coughing I implored you again,
"Please, one lump of coal and I'm out of here. If I
don't have coal I probably won't make it through the
night. And perchance, do you have any cough syrup,
I've developed this horrible cough?"

By now your attention was entirely focused on your
new husband - touching and covering him with all of
your attention. And I, in a break-through moment,
came to a painful realization, that, despite all
expectations, and despite my numerous pleas to
god and any other deity worth their salt, that
everything had now become finalizedand nothing
would return to the way it was before, in short,
there was no turning back. And while you yammered
on to your new husband I spied in the corner of the
room the thing I had come searching for - a bucket of
coal. Black and matte and beckoning me to come
over, I stood up and hobbled over towards the giver of
life. And secretly I placed two pieces in my pocket
and immediately excused myself, for you see I had
partly found the thing I had come looking for.

I returned to my flat, relieved that I would probably
live to see another day, and placed the two lumps of
coal into my stove and put match to paper. And for
a short while I was warm and happy and even
contemplated recovering lost time and missed
opportunities. But of course it was all just dangerous
dreaming. And later still the fire extinguished itself,
and again, I found myself, outside your door, soft-
shoeing, and humming a Cole Porter tune under my
breath, searching for another lump ofcoal, in the cold
wintry night.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Chapter Five

In life, no one likes to feel like they're being taken
advantage of, however slight the offence. Everyone
likes to believe that the ones closest to them stand
behind them and support them. But people sure have
a funny way of showing it, thought Jim.

Jim didn't like playing the role of the docile, compliant,
furniture store clerk, but when the occasion did present
itself Jim did rise to that occasion. He possessed a
good work ethic and he prided himself on this fact. He
reminded himself that he put his pants on one leg at a
time like any other man.

At approximately 10:00am, Rory, the store owner, unlocked
the front door and they did enter the store together. Jim
headed to the back of the store and Rory went behind the
counter to put away her purse and examine the receipts
from the previous day. Jim switched on the lights and then
set the temperature gauge. He stood surveying the store
wondering what nutty concoction she would come up with
for him to do this day. And a silence did befall the store.
And the tedium of setting up the store occupied Jim's mind.

"Do you want a donut," she asked Jim in a loud slightly
high pitched voice so he could hear her from the back of the
store.

Her voice startled him and then a shard of light did bounce
off a curio windowpane and catch Jim squarely in one eye
having the effect of temporarily transporting him to another
place and time. A place far away in an exotic land like
North Africa. The ocean a deep blue. Him walking along
a stretch of beach. A soft breeze caressing his face.

Jim steadied himself on an ocher colored dinette chair and
replied to her: "Yes, I'll have one donut, thank you."

Robert Blake Truman Capote In Cold Blood

\
This is how you write and deliver a monologue.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Deborah Solomon Interview



----------------------

So, Mr. Stanley, you live in this six bedroom Brownstone
all alone?

Please call me by my first name. Yes, it's a beautiful
place isn't it? It's built on sacred indian grounds. I had
to pay extra for that. But I'm beginning to think it's too
small for one man. I mean really we don't live in Haiti
do we? Why should I have to slum? I'm a Jew for Christ's
Sake!

Richard, you've played and won in the derivatives market,
subprime mortgages, and have coached big banks and
mega churches on how to bilk even more rewards from
America's poor and elderly, tell us, what are you doing
today to help stimulate the economy?

Good question, do you know how much I spend each
month heating and cooling this place? I burn so much
coal that the astronomical society has named a black
hole in my honor.

A black what?

Hole! I know what you're thinking. How does this help
out the little guy? As we speak six nervous guys are
descending into a small elevator shaft three miles below
the earth's surface. I have it on good word that right before
these guys light the blasting cap they say a small prayer
to me for providing them their work. Only in America.

You must feel proud.

Helping out the little people when and where ever I can.

We're all sorry about the passing of your close friend Jim
Master Jay. Did he leave you any mementos?

Yes, he left me his mezuza. It's a little sad because I lost
my mezuza during the war. It was a boating accident.

Few more quick questions?

Okay.

Favorite recent gift?

Edgar Bronfman gave me a humidor in the shape of my fat
mexican maid's ass. It was a beautiful and thoughtful gift.

Morning routine?

I wake up with the sun, say a judaic prayer, don my yamaka,
and then I beat my equadorian servant Renaldo to within an
inch of his life. I beat him to remind him how lucky he is to
work for me. It's also how I get my exercise.

Inspiration?

God and Sarah Palin.


[based on nyt's magazine article dated 9/20/09 profile/interview
with Lyor Cohen]

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Speech In The Court Yard



Is this my Lazarus moment? In the past I have risen to the
occasion, reinvented myself, metamorphed into something
new and improved. Well, maybe new anyway. That was the
kind of man I was. But that was the past. But unfortunately
the ravages of time and bad decisions have rendered their
cruel unerring consequential verdict. I stand before you
today a lesser man.The man who stands before you today
would probably appear weak to his enemies for revealing
his weaknesses in a public forum.

While I have equivocated in the past I want to be unequivocal
today. I want to seem as clear as a bell. I'm a broken pile
of bones, a has been, a shadow of my former self. Let me
put it another way, it was the winter of our discontent...

"YOU LIE!!"

Thank you Senator Joe Wilson for that shout out.

Foot In The Door



Reading Material used in writing 'Crisis People'.


Telephone And Knocking Skills For The Timid!

Harass People From Foreign Countries!

How To Create A Crisis Out Of Thin Air And Use It To
Your Advantage!

How To Get Others To Watch And Raise Your Children:
FOR FREE!

How To Find Addresses And Phone Numbers of People
You Haven't Seen In Years!

Let Windows XP Help You Supplement Your Telephone
And Door Knocking Skills With Powerful Search Engines!

Make Your Kids Smarter By Driving 10,000 Miles A Week!

Who Needs Birth Control When You Have Well Heeled Family
And Friends!

Fat Is The New Thin!

The Three Most Effective 'Daily Affirmation Books' To Guilt Out
Friends And Family With

Five Most Common Mistakes When Knocking On Someone's
Door!

Stalking Skills For The Young!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Crisis People



Please let us in. You just don't realize how important this
is. If you don't open this door the world may never be the
same. Please please open this door. Don't you realize
how miserable this world is? Can't you see we've been
waiting for weeks and months just for this moment? And
now, just five minutes ago it occurs. And we all felt that
it was imperative that you know this information as close
to the actual time as is humanly possible.

Don't you realize the great sacrifice we've made to get over
here? Within seconds of finding out I jumped into my car.
I nearly ran down three kids waiting at a bus stop but
that's how important this information is. I've left my infant
son at home alone just to peel off a few precious seconds.
Why can't you be like us? Don't you enjoy seeing people
squirm? Why can't you open this door? It could possibly
change the world if only you would open this door right now.

Can't you see how miserable our lives are? We count down
the days waiting for an event like this to occur. Why can't
you see that? Come and be a part of this event. Are we
why you shut yourself off? How possibly can telephones
and knocking on someones door be harmful? Don't you want
to see us? We'll sit around together for long periods of time
until you begin saying things that you'll regret later saying.

Why won't you answer your telephone? Don't you desire
people to phone you? Can you really have a full and
satisfying life if you won't answer your phone? Don't you
realize how barren and miserable and meaningless life
was before the invention of the telephone? Those people
suffered such severe grotesque maladies because of not
being able to pick up a phone to ask a neighbor to watch
their kids while they go out of town. Don't you realize the
untold numbers of people who were unable to go out of town
because they could not find a neighbor to watch their kids?
The inhumanity of man!

We've each made no fewer than twenty calls ourselves trying
to find out where you were. Sure, only five minutes had
passed but we felt most strongly that you be notified. We
contemplated using a SWAT team that's how important this
information is. We realized that with each passing second
valuable time was being lost. And each of us would simply
have non of that nonsense. So we devised a plan of action.
We each felt that given the severity of the situation a plan of
action was therefore necessary. The plan of action was
simple. We would work around the clock in shifts of three.
And anyone who has ever talked to you we were going to
contact by either phoning or knocking on their door. And
we explained to your acquaintances the purpose of our
mission. And the mission was that you must be found and
informed of this most important event. We explained to them
that if you were not found and given this important information
a possible state of mass hysteria could ensue.

Do you want this blood on your hands? So please please
open your door. Don't you love your country? This could
be a matter of national security.

[Jim opens his door and people pile in]

"Okay, what's going on?"

It's your Mother!

"Okay."

She's murdered thirty people!

"Well, my apologies, I guess that is important. And where
do I come in?"

We want you to watch the kids while we go search for her.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Cave Dwellers



STORY IDEAS THAT NEVER GOT OFF THE GROUND/OR
A PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON FILM SCRIPT

Jim and Jill both want a pizza. Jim wants pepperoni; Jill
wants mushrooms. This seemingly innocuous situation
turns ugly when Jim takes a grapefruit and squeezes it
into Jill's fat face

An unassuming man is alone in his apartment when his
phone rings. The man anguishes over whether or not to
answer it. But then he remembers he doesn't own a
phone. Crisis averted.

A woman, on her way to a job interview, is standing at
a bus stop, without an umbrella, when it begins to look
like rain. And then it does begin raining and just for
the hell of it she removes her compact makeup case
mirror from her purse and stares at her reflection as the
rain comes down.

A high school boy comes home from school. He fixes
himself a snack and flops down on the couch. He
ponders whether it is more important to do his Math
or English homework. He finally decides to do neither
and turns on the television.

A terminally ill woman lies in a hospital room. The
woman marvels at the technology around her. The
woman closes her eyes and remembers a scene from
her childhood. The sound of the heart monitor drifts
further and further away until she becomes something
else entirely - something she was a very long time
ago.

A happy go lucky man is on his way to propose to his
girlfriend. The man is not paying attention and thirty
years pass by.

A middle aged man's reflection in his bathroom mirror
challenges himself to a duel. Not wanting to appear
weak the man accepts the challenge. The man stands
back and assumes the classical boxing stance. A
light comes up and the shadow boxing begins - again!

A young woman with exceptional beauty sits down and
waits for instruction from the Director.
"Are you ready for your closeup sweetheart?"
And the slightly pockmarked girl turns to the Director
and replies: "Not if it's in HD!"
"Cut!" yells the Director.

Monday, February 08, 2010

modus operandi


Daniil Kharms - 1932

Unless you were shot by a firing squad, severely
persecuted, committed suicide, had drug or
alcohol overdose, was a persecuted homosexual,
or starved to death in the psychiatric ward of a
Russian prison hospital during the siege of
Leningrad then I probably don't admire you as an
artist.

The Editor

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Heath Care Reform



I feel a sea change occurring in Obama regarding
Health Care Reform.

He is hinting lately at that it's no longer an issue of
the Democratic Party but instead will now be put
upon the Republican Party to determine the ultimate
outcome of the pending health care legislation.

And I agree with Obama. I feel as Democrats we
have taken on many slings and arrows, which we've
shown historically to be good at, but as a result of
this great sacrifice we will probably lose more seats
than are traditionally lost during a mid-term election.

Let's also look at Education, if the Republicans want
to cut it to bone I say so be it. What could possibly
go wrong?

And when it comes to Cap and Trade: Man doesn't
affect his environment, are you crazy? Let's Drill
Baby Drill!

Public Works, so what if a semi hits a pot hole the
size of a golf cart and kills eight families it was
predestination.

And abortion, so what if we lose a few teenage girls
to back alley abortion facilities, they were whores to
begin with, right, and Jesus would have wanted it
that way, wouldn't he?

Again, I agree with Obama, we've laid out our vision
of what America should look like, now it's up to the
Republicans to take on a few slings and arrows.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Interview

Richard, you've been a blogger now for a couple of weeks,
can you tell us your initial reaction?

When I began my blog I didn't realize the commitment
required to make it successful. You can't just begin a
blog and think everyone will suddenly begin coming to
your site. What I'm saying is I didn't realize the many
different hats one must wear to make it successful.

Richard, you're obviously wearing many hats in this start
up venture. What has been your biggest challenge?

You realize instantly that you're both provider of content,
webmaster, and marketer all rolled up into one. And
while you instinctively want to focus on content you
find that in order to grow your site you must give equal
time to webmaster duties and marketing too.

What web sites are you trying to emulate?

Two sites that I admire greatly are Matt Drudge of
DrudgeReport.com and Paul Thain of StagePlays.com.

Is it true that StagePlays.com has now banned you
twice from their site?

It's true, and I wear that distinction like a badge of honor.

Where do you see yourself in a couple of months?

I hope in couple of months to be able to narrow my focus,
and perhaps, as my Dad has suggested, break up my blog
into two different subject areas: one for politics and one for
fiction writing. I also hope to be able to appear on google
seach, perhaps add adsense, and add more applications
to my site to make it user-friendly and fun for viewers, and
lastly to continue to improve upon the content.

One last question, can you do these things alone?

Unfortunately I feel I have no other choice but I'm confident
that in the end whether or not I am successful I will have
gained comfort from the fact that I tried.

Good Luck!

Thank You.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

America's Poor


Republican Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer of SC

Hey Dad,

I did read Leonard Pitts' article "Public silence greets
poor's powerlessness". Referenced below:

http://www.miamiherald.com/living/columnists/leonard-pitts/story/1454250.html

Mr. Pitts' article is ostensibly about the plight of America's
poor. Another it seems in a long line of articles detailing
America's continued marginalization of the poor. No new
news here. Just another rehashing of commonly known
facts regarding the poor. But it is interesting that Mr. Pitts
chose to use the remarks of Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer of SC to
support his article. Because if you consider the context in
which Mr. Bauer made his comments you might draw a different
conclusion on why Mr. Bauer made the comments he did.
You are aware that Mr. Bauer has shown himself to be
one who will say or do anything to replace Republican Mark
Sanford as Governor of South Carolina. And to this end Mr.
Bauer has been put into the position of having to 'out republican'
his competitor in order to garner favor and support from the
base of the Republican Party of SC. And you can just
imagine how low one must sink to appeal to this group.

In conclusion, I think it is disingenuous of Mr. Pitts to use
Mr. Bauer's comments to support his argument that America's
continued marginalization of the poor is the result of people
like Mr. Bauer. Mr. Pitts might have better served America's
poor if he had concentrated his attack on those individuals
Mr. Bauer has to pander to to become elected. Then maybe
we can really get at the reasons why Americans continue to
marginalize the poor.

Mr. Pitts in his article has inadvertantly promoted the political
aspirations of Mr. Bauer and couched this view in a story about
America's poor, at the cost of not getting at the root causes of
why Americans view the poor as they do.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Oh My



Washington - The Justice Department announced today
that Michelle Malkin, Blogger and Syndicated Columnist,
has been sent to an internment camp at an undisclosed
location in the Modovi Desert.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed
this report stating that "Ms. Malkin has been deemed an
enemy combatant of the United States."

Ms. Malkin who suffers from a rare orthodontic disease
named the 'cry wolf syndrome' had this to say in a
telephone interview: "I now feel vindicated for having all
these years spent warning Americans of Obama's desire
to become a Marxist Dictator."

Contradicting the White House's characterization of Ms.
Malkin, Navy Under Secretary Robert Boyle noted
Michelle's contribution to America citing the use of her
recorded voice via loud speakers to ward off would be
attackers of American ships off the coast of Somalia.

Van Johnson, ex Green Czar, and victim of Ms. Malkin's
jaw anomaly had this to say: "On behalf of all black
children everywhere I applaud this move in the hope that
now our children can go to bed at night without a case
of the willies."

The tipping point in the investigation according to FBI
documents came when an anti-american taliban inspired
recruiting film surfaced on the internet. In the video Ms.
Malkin and other suspected conservative women can be
seen recruiting young teenage girls into joining their
crusade to overthrow the Obama administration and
replace it with Sarah Palin, 'by any means necessary,'
as one Jihadist, Pamela Gellar, can be overheard saying
in the video.

Pamela Gellar, aka, The Bikini Cougar, long time
suspected terrorist, and coiner of the phrase: "We Want
Our Country Back" is now rumored to be hiding out in a
cave in NW Afghanistan. Ali Muhammad Frankenheimer,
a neighbor, who lives a few caves down from Ms.Gellar,
had this to say regarding Ms. Gellar's whereabouts:
"when she's not sun bathing in her Marxist-Leninist bikini
she can be found shopping for burkas in the Bazaar, and
at night she is often seen teaching Sharia Law to young
Arab boys."

In an ironic twist of fate Ms. Malkin also stated in the
interview that she has requested she be waterboarded to
"show all americans" as she has asserted in earlier
statements, "that torture can be an effective tool in the
interrogation of terror suspects."

The Philippine Organization Of America, generally viewed
as a strong advocate for Americans of Philippine descent,
had this to say regarding Ms. Malkin's internment:
"Michelle Who?"


The Smoking Gun!