richardporter Before The House Ethics Committee


richardporter, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Judge, may I address the court?

You may.

Is 'part of the truth' acceptable? I need to know that! What
will a half-truth get me? Do two half-truths make a whole
truth? What can I get for a quart? Someone tell me that! I
was never good at the math! Mines a very modest back-
ground! I prefer to break truth into little pieces! Then I can
parcel it out as it fits my cause. Is this making sense? Quite
honestly, the whole truth frightens me! What do we gain
from telling the whole truth? Nothing, but pain and suffering!
And what about truthfulllessness: does that play a role here?
Am I sweating? I'm nervous! I don't like to sweat! Does
anyone really know what the truth is? Because someone needs
to tell me! I'm not even sure why I've been called 'here' before
this committee, of my so-called peers! Am I making myself
clear here? I stuttered as a child! I should have known this
right from the start! You guys don't fool me! I can read each
of you like a book! A very thin book! ...Mr. Chairman and
distinguished members of the jury I cannot in good faith swear
to tell the truth or swear to your God, even though I have many
times sworn using God's name in vain, of course! Is there another
way? Gentleman, this may come as a great shock to some of
you, but I feel I must tell you this! Call it a compulsion, call it the
hair on my back, but I'm descended from Apes! And as far as I
know, Apes don't worship God, although we have been known
to occasionally use the Lord's name in vain! Sure, there have
been a few Apes who have worshiped Man-God! But these
were 'foxhole' and 'tall building' situations! But let the word go
forth from these hallowed chambers here today folks: these
deviants were punished severly, and their ration of bananas
sharply curtailed!