Saturday, March 12, 2011

Richard Porter's Mission Statement

Mr. Porter

You're probably wondering why I've invited Col. Sanders here with us today. Let's just say I have a soft spot in my heart for the Col.'s seven secret herbs and spices. So far though, in my exhastive research, I've only discovered one of these spices - salt. And that brings me to another point: am I worth my salt, and for that matter, how is my pepper count doing? Should I worry about my calcium levels too, or more importantly, are you worried about my calcium levels? If someone mentions to me again, in polite company, the sexual healing powers of vitamin E I think I might just scream. I'm a human being first and a chicken lover second. Now, let's examine the facts; tease out the lies; flush out the truth; play a little three card monte. Are you catching my drift? Are there any card players here today? Gin rummy? Do you like word-association games too? Go fish? What about hat tricks? Parlor tricks? I do! I played monopoly as a child. I didn't need any friends. I had a home on Park Avenue and a villa on Boardwalk. But, in any event, should I strip down to my skivvies? Would that make you happy? Do you want to see me bump and grind? Get down and dirty? I wish I was so lucky; but alas, I'm confined to this damn blasted wheelchair. People often come up to me, bend over, and ask me questions like I'm an imbecile. And I answer them with this: I'll rip you mf lungs out mister. Cross me and I'll smote thee. Oy Como Va! Gesundheit! See, I do know a little of what I'm talking about. And what advice am I trying to impart to you today: when speaking before me, say it in the key of 'd.' Why am I saying this: because nothing else really matters. It's all about pitch and intonation for me and don't forget it.

Mr. Porter, do you feel compelled by a narrative mission?

I feel compelled to do many things. Some I can, and some I can't explain. I felt compelled to post this on the internet just now. In fact, without compelling I wouldn't be standing here before you today. I've compelled with the best of them. Am I on a narrative mission? Let's see. Nope. No narrative mission going on here. I wish I could help you. I wish I could say to you emphatically and with conviction and without question that I am on a narrative mission. But alas, I'm not. I want to be on a mission though. I think it's a noble goal. And I do need to go somewhere. Where do I sign up? But on second thought, and to be quite frank with you, my car's not running right at the moment. My car isn't right! Never has been. The point is I can't even get uptown so it must surely follow that I can't be on a narrative mission. Gotta get MAACO! Maybe next month. I can't tell you exactly when though. I remember as a child being compelled to get out of bed each morning. And then later still I felt compelled to leave home and live on my own. No one ever mentioned being on a narrative mission when I was growing up. I had to learn it on the streets: okay, the avenues and boulevards, but let's not split hairs here, okay? So, back to your question: am I on a narrative mission? Not at the moment but I'm confident I'll soon be on one.

No comments: