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5/4/12

A Compelling short story by Richard Porter - Finger Licking Good


FINGER LICKING GOOD

You're probably wondering why I've invited Col. Sanders here with us today
Let's just say I have a soft spot in my heart for the Col.'s seven secret herbs
and spices So far though in my exhaustive research I've only discovered one of
these spices - salt And that brings me to another point Am I worth my salt and
for that matter How is my pepper count doing? Should I worry about my
calcium levels too? Or more importantly are you worried about my calcium
levels?  If someone else mentions To me again in polite company the sexual
healing powers of vitamin E I think I might just scream I'm a human being first
and a chicken lover second Now let's examine the facts tease out the lies
flush out the truth play a little three card monte Are you catching my drift?
Are there any card players here today?  Gin rummy?  Do you like
word-association games too?  Go fish?  What about hat tricks?  Parlor tricks?  I
do!  I played monopoly as a child I didn't need any friends I had a home on
Park Avenue and a villa on Boardwalk But in any event should I strip down to
my skivvies?  Would that make you happy?  Do you want to see me bump and
grind?  Get down and dirty?  I wish I was so lucky but alas I'm confined to this
damn blasted wheelchair People often come up to me bend over and ask me
questions like I'm an imbecile And I answer them with this: I'll rip you mf lungs
out mister Cross me and I'll smote thee Oy Como Va!  Gesundheit!  See I do
know a little of what I'm talking about And what advice am I trying to impart to
you today? When speaking before me say it in the key of 'd'  Why am I saying
this? Because nothing else really matters  It's all about pitch and intonation for me
and don't forget it

[Girls Voice] Mr. Porter, do you feel compelled by a narrative mission?

I feel compelled to do many things Some I can and some I can't explain I felt
compelled just now to post this on the internet  In fact without compelling I wouldn't
be standing here before you today  I've compelled with the best of them  Am I on a
narrative mission?  Let's see Nope No narrative mission going on here I wish I
could help you I wish I could say to you emphatically and with conviction and
without question that I am on a narrative mission But alas I'm not I want to be on a
mission though I think it's a noble goal And I do need to go somewhere Where do
I sign up?  But on second thought and to be quite frank with you my car's not running
right at the moment My car ain't right! Never has been The point is I can't even get
uptown so it must surely follow that I can't be on a narrative mission Gotta get MAACO!
Maybe next month I can't tell you exactly when though I remember as a child being
compelled to get out of bed each morning And then later still I felt compelled to leave
home and live on my own No one ever mentioned being on a narrative mission when
I was growing up I had to learn it on the streets Okay the avenues and boulevards but let's
not split hairs here okay?  So back to your question: am I on a narrative mission?  Not
at the moment but I'm confident I'll be on one soon

And like a piece of gum stuck to that part of your brain that doesn't let you forget the things
you wish you could but instead plays them over and over again until you feel like you are
about to explode It's become my narrative mission in life folks and like a Delphic oracle
of past I feel compelled to fulfill it To discharge my duties and to resolutely and with extreme
prejudice annihilate any and every motherfucking thing that comes within my cross hairs That's
just the kind of guy I am Maybe it was my upbringing Maybe it's the fact that I'm a cripple
or just maybe I'm am egotistical egomaniac I'm not sure Call me obsessive compulsive
compulsive obsessive but just don't call me late to mother fucking dinner And speaking of
dinner I must leave you now and attend to my bucket of the Col's finest So please without
further adue please let me introduce to you our guest speaker A man who single handily
tamed the wild chicken and confined their entire existence to a petri dish A man who knows
a little something about the sanctity of life Please welcome none other than the finger licking
king himself - Mr. Col. Sanders He always wanted to be a General but that's for another day

[Sound of Audience Clapping]

Richard Porter, April 2012