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2/17/10

Crisis People



Please let us in. You just don't realize how important this
is. If you don't open this door the world may never be the
same. Please please open this door. Don't you realize
how miserable this world is? Can't you see we've been
waiting for weeks and months just for this moment? And
now, just five minutes ago it occurs. And we all felt that
it was imperative that you know this information as close
to the actual time as is humanly possible.

Don't you realize the great sacrifice we've made to get over
here? Within seconds of finding out I jumped into my car.
I nearly ran down three kids waiting at a bus stop but
that's how important this information is. I've left my infant
son at home alone just to peel off a few precious seconds.
Why can't you be like us? Don't you enjoy seeing people
squirm? Why can't you open this door? It could possibly
change the world if only you would open this door right now.

Can't you see how miserable our lives are? We count down
the days waiting for an event like this to occur. Why can't
you see that? Come and be a part of this event. Are we
why you shut yourself off? How possibly can telephones
and knocking on someones door be harmful? Don't you want
to see us? We'll sit around together for long periods of time
until you begin saying things that you'll regret later saying.

Why won't you answer your telephone? Don't you desire
people to phone you? Can you really have a full and
satisfying life if you won't answer your phone? Don't you
realize how barren and miserable and meaningless life
was before the invention of the telephone? Those people
suffered such severe grotesque maladies because of not
being able to pick up a phone to ask a neighbor to watch
their kids while they go out of town. Don't you realize the
untold numbers of people who were unable to go out of town
because they could not find a neighbor to watch their kids?
The inhumanity of man!

We've each made no fewer than twenty calls ourselves trying
to find out where you were. Sure, only five minutes had
passed but we felt most strongly that you be notified. We
contemplated using a SWAT team that's how important this
information is. We realized that with each passing second
valuable time was being lost. And each of us would simply
have non of that nonsense. So we devised a plan of action.
We each felt that given the severity of the situation a plan of
action was therefore necessary. The plan of action was
simple. We would work around the clock in shifts of three.
And anyone who has ever talked to you we were going to
contact by either phoning or knocking on their door. And
we explained to your acquaintances the purpose of our
mission. And the mission was that you must be found and
informed of this most important event. We explained to them
that if you were not found and given this important information
a possible state of mass hysteria could ensue.

Do you want this blood on your hands? So please please
open your door. Don't you love your country? This could
be a matter of national security.

[Jim opens his door and people pile in]

"Okay, what's going on?"

It's your Mother!

"Okay."

She's murdered thirty people!

"Well, my apologies, I guess that is important. And where
do I come in?"

We want you to watch the kids while we go search for her.