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2/20/10

Deborah Solomon Interview



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So, Mr. Stanley, you live in this six bedroom Brownstone
all alone?

Please call me by my first name. Yes, it's a beautiful
place isn't it? It's built on sacred indian grounds. I had
to pay extra for that. But I'm beginning to think it's too
small for one man. I mean really we don't live in Haiti
do we? Why should I have to slum? I'm a Jew for Christ's
Sake!

Richard, you've played and won in the derivatives market,
subprime mortgages, and have coached big banks and
mega churches on how to bilk even more rewards from
America's poor and elderly, tell us, what are you doing
today to help stimulate the economy?

Good question, do you know how much I spend each
month heating and cooling this place? I burn so much
coal that the astronomical society has named a black
hole in my honor.

A black what?

Hole! I know what you're thinking. How does this help
out the little guy? As we speak six nervous guys are
descending into a small elevator shaft three miles below
the earth's surface. I have it on good word that right before
these guys light the blasting cap they say a small prayer
to me for providing them their work. Only in America.

You must feel proud.

Helping out the little people when and where ever I can.

We're all sorry about the passing of your close friend Jim
Master Jay. Did he leave you any mementos?

Yes, he left me his mezuza. It's a little sad because I lost
my mezuza during the war. It was a boating accident.

Few more quick questions?

Okay.

Favorite recent gift?

Edgar Bronfman gave me a humidor in the shape of my fat
mexican maid's ass. It was a beautiful and thoughtful gift.

Morning routine?

I wake up with the sun, say a judaic prayer, don my yamaka,
and then I beat my equadorian servant Renaldo to within an
inch of his life. I beat him to remind him how lucky he is to
work for me. It's also how I get my exercise.

Inspiration?

God and Sarah Palin.


[based on nyt's magazine article dated 9/20/09 profile/interview
with Lyor Cohen]